Much of the coaching work I do is around identity. I'm fascinated by how we see ourselves and the endless obstacles that are established as we age; obstacles that prevent us from growing and living in a neutral way. We must live in a neutral way, in as free a way as possible, in order to thrive. Because what happens when those obstacles become entrenched and real? We stagnate.
Imagine human beings to be stripped back to an organism ~ simply a mass of emotions and physical energy... a pure and unencumbered whole that is both sparked and thwarted by other human beings.
We start this life as a ball of tears and urgent needs, with no idea of what being a human means.
Over time, that tiny, red-faced ball of energy becomes moulded by experiences and influences, made to feel as though there is only one way. Self-imposed or reinforced so many times by others that it becomes the reality ~ it's irrelevant how it happens; it's the process of time and living as a human that builds our identity.
Eventually, when we become trapped by this reality, behaving in ways that are frustrating, self-destructive, negative and completely different to how we want to be, we can do one of two things: continue to live within the constraints of the identity that we have grown to accept, or discover a way to step outside it and find the courage to perceive ourselves differently.
I'm not talking about changing hairstyles or even simply stopping drinking alcohol or starting to hit the gym. I'm talking about finding a new way, a path that allows us to open up our minds and let go of ALL the damaging and restrictive self-beliefs that have led us to this place of misery. I'm talking about deep reflection and understanding that releases us from the negative narrative we've always listened to.
When we do this, we are free to change our behaviour. We DON'T change behaviour when we continue to perceive the world and ourselves in the same way. It's identity, like a lens that affects our vision of the world, that determines our actions. If we see ourselves as a certain type of person with particular expectations and a low ceiling that perpetually prevents us from breaking out of that mould, we'll continue to do the same things. If we want to transform, we must transform our self-identity.
When I was younger, my identity was such that I believed I would always be self-destructive. I mean, I truly felt as though I had no control over that - I would always hurt myself and limit my experiences by keeping myself locked in a prison of self-doubt, low self-esteem, and an utter lack of personal positive reinforcement.
How did I escape that? I flicked a switch. I saw myself from the outside and decided to believe that there was a different school of thought that might be mine if I worked at embedding it. It was a process of shoehorning this strong and resilient woman into the mind of a broken, self-defeating shell. Breaking down the beliefs that kept growing up like incessant weeds, strangling my opportunities for happiness, and fuelling the courageous, positive and healthy mindset that gradually took precedence.
Human beings are so complex, and we can so easily become our own, most tenacious enemy. It is our own self that keeps us from achieving fulfilment and contentment. It is our own self that keeps making the same choices that repeatedly hurt us, that locks us in the same vision ~ one that emits such deeply felt emotions of anger, resentment, desperation and hopelessness that we feel we have run out of options and nothing will ever change.
And it's our own self that has the power to shed the chains of self-destruction and find a new perspective - one that serves us and enables us to change our behavioural patterns... easily and with a sense of purpose.
For help in shifting your identity, take a look at my Transformation Coaching packages here. I have space for two new clients starting in May, so if you feel the time is right for you to let go of your old narrative and start creating a healthier, self-compassionate and self-fulfilling future, contact me now.
Lucy xx 😘
